Simply Typical--Nonsensical Eva
by Maayacola
Summary: Well...it's a random 3 am production which will result in brain cell loss if too much time is spent on it...Oh yeah, and a few Austin Powers Parodies...
1. The First--NERV hits a Few Nerves

Simply Typical.  
A Shin Seiki Evangelion Fanfiction   
by Maayacola  
  
  
Chapter One: Meet the Team. NERV hits a few nerves.  
  
Deep inside a secret lair, Gendou Ikari was working on a secret project that was so secret even he wasn't exactly sure what it was. But he knew that it was very evil, and very, very secret.  
  
He punched a few buttons in, and Fuyutski cleared his throat. "Commander, it is done."  
  
Commander Ikari smirked, and then laughed maniacally. "IT'S ALIVE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Fuyutski smiled, followed by a well concealed grimace. "Sir we have created your exact clone, except 7/8's your size, female, large busted, and remarkably similar to your wife."  
  
Gendou smiled again. "Yes...Yes...I shall call her...Mini-Me!!"  
  
Fuyutski lifted a brow. "Commander...I don't think that's appropriate."  
  
With a frown, Gendou sighed. "Fine. Then call her Rei, or whatever."  
  
"Certainly Commander." Fuyutski turned toward the blue-haired girl. "Ayanami Rei, you have been born."  
  
"Where the hell did Ayanami come from?"  
  
"Commander!!!"  
  
***  
  
"Ayanami Rei?" Shinji held back tears. "Wasn't I...Wasn't I good enough dad? Wasn't I good enough to carry on the family reputation?"  
  
"Shinji...I don't know how to put this."  
  
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi smiled. "Allow me, Sir."  
  
"Certainly, Dr."  
  
Ritsuko smiled. "Shinji, quite frankly, you suck. You have bad grades, you refuse to pilot an Eva, you are a spineless coward, and you always manage to thwart your father's plans for world domination. Plus...you're just so... unCOOL"  
  
"Oh." Shinji thought for a moment." Who are you again?"  
  
"I'm your father's current whor--girlfriend..."  
  
"Ooh! What happened to Mom?"  
  
"She got sucked into an Eva, moron." Commander Ikari stated. "But back to the original topic. Shinji, Ritsuko is right."  
  
"What if I pilot Eva? Then will I be cool?" Shinji pleaded.  
  
"I guess it's a start. You'll be the Third Child."  
  
"Fine. I'll do it."  
  
***  
  
Ayanami Rei looked over her outfit. Black military uniform, NERV ID badge.   
  
She put on her large glasses with tinted lenses and smiled in an queerly familiar way. "Lookin' sharp."  
  
***  
  
Misato Katsuragi glared at Kaji as he desperately avoided another glimpse down the Major's shirt. "How dare you avoid looking down my shirt! I have a reputation to uphold, here!!"  
  
Shinji sighed as he heard the familiar conversation. Man, Misato sure was a slow cookie. Hadn't she figured out that Kaji liked MEN yet?  
  
His breathing stopped, an he saw her. She was wearing a black uniform, and large glasses, and her blue hair caught his attention. "Man, she is hot!"  
  
Misato looked up. "Oh, right. Shinji, meet your sister Rei, the First Official Eva Pilot."  
  
Shinji smiled a seductive smile. "Hey, baby, want to strengthen our 'family ties'?  
  
Rei lifted a brow. "Um..are you hitting on me?"  
  
Shinji looked deflated for a minute. "Actually, yes."  
  
"Oh. You are aware that I am your sister."  
  
"It's only wrong if you think about it to long. Speaking of long..."  
  
Kaji was threatening to hurl rainbow chunks. "Shinji, you realize you are suggesting incest?! That's immoral, and wrong! And the author of this story hates incest!"  
  
Shinji glowerd. "Man, the people in Angel Sanctuary get to have all the fun. Here we get no incest, no one is openly gay, and the only angel's we have you can't sleep with!"  
  
"I know, Shinji. Life is unfair."  
  
Rei looked thoughtful. "So having intimate relations with someone of the same family as you is...EVIL?"  
  
Misato nodded. Rei grinned. "Well, Shinji...I like things that are--" She put her pinkie up to the corner of her lips, "EVIL."  
  
Shinji smirked. "Did I ever tell you that if you were a sandwich at McDonald's that they'd call you McBeautiful?"  
  
Rei turned to look at him incrediously. "No. Please don't mention it again."  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
"Shinji, just so you're clear on this: If you go make out with Rei, it is very similar to making out with your father," Misato said.  
  
"Well, I had this fantasy once--"  
  
"Shinji, I really don't think I want to know."  
  
****  
  
Dark, eerie music played as the boat docked. Shinji and Rei were making out, as Shinji's closest friends, Touji and Kensuke looked on in disgust. Major Misato Katsuragi looked up toward the ramp of the boat as a breathtakingly beautiful red haired girl stepped out of the shadows. Kensuke drooled.  
  
"Hi..." She said huskily. Shinj and Rei looked up, waved, and returned to their previous activities. "I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu, Second Child, and Eva Pilot of Unit 2."  
  
Kensuke stuck out a hand. "And I'm available Friday night."  
  
Asuka looked at him strangely, before turning to the Major. "What's up with those two?" She gestured toward Shinji and Rei.   
  
Misato sighed. "It's not too horrible if you don't think about the fact that they're related TOO much. By the way, that would be Ayanami Rei and Shinji Ikari, the first and Third Children."  
  
Touji looked horrified. "They're related?!"  
  
Misato sighed.  
  
Kensuke leered at Asuka.  
***  
  
As Rei was taking a shower, Shinji took a good look at Asuka. 'She's hot.' he thought.   
  
Shinji cleared his throat. "So did it hurt?"  
  
Asuka looked at him awkwardly. "Learning to pilot an Eva?"  
  
"No...I mean when you fell from heaven."  
  
"Ugh."  
  
***  
Rei was unhappy. This new girl was a threat to her relationship with her beloved brother Shinji. She pulled up a few files on the girl. A slow smile crept up onto her face as she read a few details that would surely keep Shinji with eyes only for her.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
***  
Gendou looked at Rei with interest. "So you are saying that Asuka Langley Sohryu used to be a man?"   
  
"That's exactly what I'm saying, Commander. She claimed to her family that her 'soul had been born in the wrong body'. She still has nightmares about how her mother tried to kill her after the operation."  
  
"Oh dear." said Misato. "We'd better tell Shinji."  
  
***  
  
"Did it hurt?" Shinji asked Asuka.  
  
"You already used that bad pick-up line once, dimwatt."  
  
"No, I mean when you had it cut off."  
  
Soda squirted out of Asuka's nose.  
***  
  
"Major!" Maya, a young bridge bunny shouted out to Misato Katsuragi as she walked through the NERV hallways, coffee in hand. "Major, there's an Angel Attack!!"  
  
"Call the Children. Prep the Eva's."  
  
"Yes, ma'am!"  
  
****  
  
Asuka stood, in her plugsuit, next to her Eva, tapping her foot impatiently. "Where the hell are the two other Eva Pilots!" She screeched, at her ropes end.  
  
Misato, too, looked angry. Finally, two flustered Eva pilots rushed up, suited up and ready for action. "Where have you two been?! In the case of an Eva attack, you must stop everything and report at once!"  
  
Rei looked at Misato. "But Misato...You can't just stop. I mean, once you pop, the fun don't stop--"  
  
"I really didn't need to know that," Misato sighed. "But get into your entry plugs. Let's kick some angel ass."  
***  
  
Makoto sighed. "Oh Kaji...You know how I like it...."  
  
A knock sounded on the door. Kaji slipped his shirt back on. Opening the door, he gasped in surprise. "Commander? What can we do for you?"  
  
"Turn the god damned intercom OFF, Kaji. We really don't need Yaoi fangirls in our command center."  
  
Makoto blushed. "Yes Sir."  
****  
  
Misato sighed. She had really liked Kaji, too. "Alright. Move the Eva's to the Elevator!!"  
  
End Chapter One. 


	2. The Second--Criminally Insane

I don't know where I get this stuff. Really. Not a clue. But I am a nutcase, so...  
  
  
  
Begin Chapter Two.  
  
Chapter Two: Oh dear. Don't forget to fasten seatbelt.  
  
Gendou pushed his glasses up onto nose, assuming his frequently mocked position. "Fuyutski! Here, now, or else."  
  
"Sir! I'm top floor!"  
  
"Die."  
  
"Be there in .02543 seconds, Commander!"  
  
"Good..." Gendou smiled. He was eagerly awaiting his Eva pilot's first battle. And the arrival of his fangirls. He stood, and walked over to his SDAT, and turned on his favorite radio station.  
  
"Hello, my demonic, psychotic listeners, and if you're just joining us here at 99.7 IAAPB, you're just in time for the contest entries to the I Am A Psychotic Bastard theme song contest. Our first entry is from Gendou Ikari, at the Top Secret Military organization NERV. His address is..."  
  
"Yes, Commander?" Fuyutski asked, out of breath from running down 193 flights of stairs.  
  
"Tell Major Katsuragi not to launch the Eva's yet."  
  
"But Sir! The Angel has decimated 3/4 of the city and has killed my aunt Gertrude!"  
  
"I don't care. It can wait. Everyone has to listen to my song."  
  
"Yes, Commander."  
  
***  
  
The entire NERV staff looked up at the loudspeakers as they blasted the sound of their Commander SINGING throughout the building. "I'm to evil for my glasses, to evil for my glasses, to evil--Just to evil!"  
  
Maya banged her head repeatedly against the wall. "Everyone's going insane..." She looked up to see Ritsuko dancing to the beat."Oh god, everyones going insane."  
***  
  
"Major Katsuragi! There are unidentified sound waves coming from Unit 0!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"We aren't sure what it is!"  
  
"Patch it in, Makoto."  
  
"Yes, Major!"  
  
*crunch*  
  
Misato raised a brow.  
  
*crunch*  
  
"What the...?! Get her out of there! Immediately!!" Misato cried.  
  
*crunch*  
  
They pulled the plug out of the Eva and pulled back the hatch.  
  
*crunch*  
  
Rei sat with her mouth full in her seat. "Pringle?"  
  
Misato forced back a gag reflex. "Do those taste normal with LCL?"  
  
"They just taste a bit slimy, but they still maintain that satisfying crunch!"  
  
A com link established between Misato and Unit 02. "I want a Pringle." Asuka said.  
  
Misato scowled.  
  
*crunch*  
***  
  
"Eva's are launched, Commander."  
  
"Gooooood...Heheh."  
  
Eerie silence.  
****  
  
Shinji screamed girlishly as he was thrown against the wall. "Ouch! That hurt!"  
  
Asuka snarled. "No, friggin' DUH, dimwit."  
  
"Shut-up you transexual biotch!"  
  
Rei pulled out her prog knife and advanced, only to be thrown back by the angel's AT field.  
  
"Relax, I'll handle this problem!" a strong female voice cried out.  
  
"Huh?!" Shinji cried.  
***  
  
"Huh?!" Misato cried.   
  
"Who the hell are you?!" Misato heard Asuka snarl.  
  
***  
"I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice--"  
  
Shinji sighed. "YOU are in the wrong anime."  
  
Rei nodded.  
  
Sailor Moon sighed. "Oh darn. Not again!!!" She ran out of the scene.  
  
Rei sniggered. "Ditz."  
  
A growl emitted from Unit 2. "Now is not the time! We have to defeat this stupid thing!"  
  
"Riiight!" Shinji said. "I knew we were out here for something!" Both of the other two Eva's turned to look at him. "You know..." He whined. "How you go to do something and then you get a little distracted, and forget what you were going to do... It happens!"  
  
"Sure, baka." Asuka said, only to be hit upside her Evangelion's head. "What?!"  
  
"Only I am allowed to mock Shin-chan in a condescending manor not unlike how one talks to a small illusioned child!"  
  
"Hey!" Shinji shouted.  
  
He could hear Misato snickering from his com-link to base.   
  
He pouted. "Whatever."  
  
****  
  
Kaji and Makoto were 'becoming better friends' in a janitorial closet on the third floor.   
  
"Don't you think this was a good idea?" Makoto asked.  
  
"No audience here..." Kaji smiled.  
  
"...I wouldn't be so sure about that."  
  
Kaji looked up slowly toward the sound of the voice. The janitor stood there, smiling wryly. "Beat it, kids."  
  
Kaji turned green, and Makoto followed him quickly out of the closet and disappeared.  
  
"Damn, I can't ever get it on, can I?!" Kaji cried out to an uncaring ceiling.  
  
"No Kaji, you can't." The ceiling replied.  
  
Kaji took out a cigarette. "Well, damn."  
  
He lit up and contemplated the complexities of life.  
***  
  
Shinji scowled. "This is starting to piss me off."  
  
Rei turned to him. "What is, darling?"  
  
"This prog knife crap. 'Shinji, use your progressive knife! Shinji, hit the stupid thing! Shinji, go berserk and kill something, goddamnit!'. Well I'll show them!"  
  
Asuka snorted. "The baka has hit the limit of his sanity."  
  
Out of thin air, Unit 01 drew out a grenade gun. "Hehehehehehehe! Why use a prog knife when you can use a REAL weapon!!!"  
  
Asuka stared. "Holy Sh--!"  
  
Kensuke drooled from his hiding place in the bushes. "Pretty..."  
***  
  
Gendou's eye twitched. "Where the heck did the grenade gun come from, Fuyutski?"  
  
"Not a clue, commander."  
  
"Ahh."  
  
"But hey, are you sure you want to disown your son? He seems to be heading down the right track toward evil-ness."  
  
"Yes, but Rei is evil in it's truest form. She is the right one to carry on the Ikari name."  
  
"Her last name is Ayanami."  
  
Gendou's eye twitched again. "Where did THAT come from?"  
  
"First page of the script, Commander. The Authoress is a cruel mistress."  
  
"I see. Well, then, Shinji and Rei will have to get married."  
  
"They're related."  
  
"So? I'll never tell..."  
  
"Inbreeding is very dangerous, Commander Ikari. Your granchild might end up a one-eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater."  
  
Gendou looked up, his eyes shining gleefully like a picture from a shoujo manga. "Really?"  
  
At Fuyutski's nod, Gendou grinned. "Cooool..."  
  
***  
  
Misato sighed. "Fire the gun, Shinji."  
***  
  
Gendou smiled. "Fire the gun, Shinji."  
  
***  
  
Rei looked on seductivly. "Hey, Shin-chan, fire the gun..."  
  
***  
  
Shinji got a nosebleed. "I musn't run away!!!"  
  
***  
  
BANG!!!  
  
End Chapter Two. 


	3. The Third--Sexy Beast

Note: I mean nothing by my references to God. Please, don't take them in any way but that of humour. Same with the 'Pearl Harbor' bit...Enjoy!  
  
Begin Chapter Three.  
  
BANG!  
  
Ritsuko's head hit the wall. "Listen, you spineless moron. Shoot the damn gun."  
  
"Riiiight..." Shinji's voice crackled through. "But I'm not in range."  
  
*sweatdrop*  
  
"Well, Shinji, why don't you move closer to the Angel?"  
  
"How?! It's shooting everything!!!"  
  
"Distract it! Your Eva's the only one that still works, freak!"  
  
"Oooookay..."  
  
Shinji's Eva began to dance seductively toward the Eva. If one listened very well, they might have faintly heard jazz music playing.   
  
"Hey, angel face...why don't we join and make one big heavenly body?"  
  
***********  
  
Ritsuko's jaw dropped. "This is not happening. It's all some horrible nightmare."  
  
******  
  
Gendou's jaw dropped. "This is not happening. It's all some horrible nightmare."  
  
"I'm proud to announce that the 3rd place winner for the IAAPB Theme Song Contest is Gendou Ikari, at the Top Secret Military Base, NERV. NERV is located at..."  
  
"MINE was the best!!!!! This is an outrage!! Just because I'm part of the government, doesn't mean I should be discriminated against!!"  
  
******  
  
Kaji and Makoto were making out on a park bench. "Mmmm...Kaji...Finally, some peace..."  
  
Kaji sighed."Yeah..."  
  
"Mommy, is it normal for two guys to do that?"  
  
"It is if you like Yaoi...and the authoress is the president of a Yaoi fanclub... Hey you two! Get a room!"  
  
Kaji's head fell onto Makoto's shoulder. "Life sucks. Life really, really sucks."  
  
"It's just the irony of it all."  
  
****  
  
The angel had little heart bubbles floating around it's head.  
  
Misato's eye twitched. "Is that possible?"  
  
"Welcome to anime, sweatheart." Ritsuko said.  
  
"Don't call me sweetheart."   
  
It is of no relevance to the situation, but the authoress thinks that bananna flavored candies are nasty.  
  
****  
  
Rei and Asuka were singing. Normally, that would be just faintly amusing, but seeing as they were bored out of there minds. (Not having been able to move for the past 4 hours), they were singing Denis Leary Songs.  
  
"Spoken:  
This is a special moment right now,   
We'd like to take this time to tell all the kids at home,   
Send your parents out of the room.   
This is a kid's song.  
  
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up.  
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now.  
  
Hey, if you know the words, sing along!  
  
You're gonna have to mow the lawn, do the dishes, make your bed.  
You're gonna have to go to school until you're seventeen.  
  
It's gonna seem about three times as long as that!  
  
You might have to go to war, shoot a gun, kill a nun.  
You might have to go to war when you get outta school!  
  
Hey, cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse!  
  
You're gonna have to deal with stress, deal with stress, deal with stress.  
You're gonna be a giant mess when you get back from the war.  
  
Santa Clause does not exist, and there is no Easter Bunny.  
You'll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny!  
(Funny...Funny...Yahahahahaha....)  
  
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up.  
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now!  
  
You're gonna wind up smoking crack, on your back, face the fact.  
You're gonna wind up hooked on smack, and then you're gonna die!  
  
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA DIE! HEY-HEY!"  
  
****  
  
"Ritsuko, what was the relevance to the story?"  
  
Chibi Maayacola jumped on screen. "I just really, really like that song." She jumped back off.  
  
Misato sighed. "Life is strange."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
****  
  
The room was dark, a spotlight on the desparing man sitting in a single orange chair. The man's shoulders slumped in the way of a much defeated man.  
  
"God?" Kaji asked, sniffling. "God? Can you hear me?"  
  
"Wait a goddamned minute Kaji, I'm in the shower."  
  
"..."  
  
"Okay. What did you want?"  
  
"Is Shinji with a grenade gun is going to cause Third Impact?" Kaji asked.  
  
"Why you wanna know?"  
  
"If so, I kinda need to 'officially' come out of the closet."  
  
"Everyone knows you're gay, Kaji. Even I heard you and that other fellow over the intercom with that Makoto fellow...You two were awfully lou--"  
  
"God, shut-up."  
***  
  
Shinji stealthy got closer to the infatuated angel and sighed as he lifted the heavy artilley. The authoress, who is a perv, laughs at how bad that sounds.  
  
"Let's lock and load, my beautiful gun."  
  
Rei's com link popped up in Shinji's Eva. "Shin-chan, if you pull this off we can play a special game when we get home...!"  
  
Shinji smiled gleefully. "Yeah, Rei-babe. We can play Pearl Harbor. You be the U.S navy, and I'll be the Japanese. You can lay on your back and I'll blow you away."  
  
"Ooooh...that's REALLLLLLY BAAAAAAAAAAAAD..." Asuka said through the link. "Shinji, you have the worst pick up lines EVER."  
  
Shinji frowned defensively. "It's a plot device!! Gimme a break!!"  
  
"Yeah, shove it up your ass, he-woman!" Rei said.  
  
"Why I oughta--"  
  
"I'm going to shoot now."  
  
"You bitch! Don't make me come over there!"  
  
"You incestful man-clone with boobs! They're probably fake!"  
  
"Oh yeah? Well yours are DEFINATELY fake!!"  
  
Shinji's fist clenched. His statement had not commandeered him the proper response. "I AM GOING TO SHOOT THE GODDAMNED GUN NOW!!!"  
  
*crickets chirp*  
  
"Better."  
  
***  
  
Gendou sighed. "Rei and Shinji must survive! I must have a one-eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater granchild!"  
  
*****  
  
"Fire!"  
  
Explosion.  
  
End Chapter Three.  
  
Note: One more part to go!! *twinkle* 


	4. The End-- All is Resolved

Begin Epilogue  
  
A dark spooky voice emerges from the darkness.  
  
"Everyone died."  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
"You don't believe me? Let me tell you all about how Shinji's gun wiped out the angel, and had no effect on everyone involved."  
  
"Kensuke died first. The bush he was hiding in caught on fire. Apparently he forgot how to stop, drop, and roll."  
  
"Touji married a nice country girl named Hikari. She had no teeth, but I heard that was only because she stuck an eggbeater in her mouth and turned it on. They died when she lit 300 candles in the couples wooden dojo. All their children died, too."  
  
"Kaji killed the janitor. He got life in jail, and ended up being an undercover Yaoi doujinshi dispenser in L.A-- the lavoratory area. He died of a nosebleed"  
  
"Shinji and Rei got married. Their child, unfortunately, was not a one-eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater. It did, however, only have one eye. We call it it, because of the the lack of gender...and/or genitals... They named it Kaworu. He went crazy and killed them all, and was then hit by a Mach truck."  
  
"Asuka became a journalist, which fit her nature as a dillusioned, transexual shark perfectly. She was killed by Princess Diana-- Or maybe it was the other way around."  
  
"Misato and Ritsuko became lesbian lovers until they were shot and killed by the Disney for no apparent reason."  
  
"Gendou became a 'Big Daddy' porn film director.He made the big bucks until he died a 'natural death'. (He was stabbed repeatedly with a pitchfork until his arms and legs came off, and then some.)"  
  
"And as for the other character's the authoress would rather not mention? They died in third impact, right around the time 'The Land Before Time 3098' came out."  
  
Fuyuski stepped out of the darkness. "Why am I still here? I don't know. Perhaps it was a fortunate twist of fate. Perhaps it was the authoress' warped sense of humor. But either way, we'll see you next week on Beyond Belie-- I mean...Bye, suckas!!!"  
  
End Epilogue  
  
End Story.  
  
  
There it is. The stupidest thing I have ever written. It's already in the running for the stupidest thing I EVER WILL write. But, hey, it's been fun! Later! 


	5. A few notes...And a bit of Sarcasm on th...

Wrap up.  
  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for this work--but heck, I love it.  
  
What... you wanted something prolific? Here it is. I spent a total of two hours. I did not proofread or bother to correct any of it. I just crack myself up, and I figured I might as well attempt to crack others up for the hell of it.   
  
  
By the way, Lay Z., yes, damnit, I'll marry you. You bring the cheap champagne and I'm bring the destructive missiles. It'll be a black tie(and nothing else) affair.  
  
Ciao, baby. 


End file.
